I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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