Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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