What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You need a sexual gate keeper
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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