I have demons in me.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
