You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
