Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
