Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
