You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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