Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
