i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
