The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
