I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
