I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
