I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
