i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
