Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
