It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Gay?
German.
Pity.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
