I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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