Are we in a gay sports bar?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
