Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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