and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
