if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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