I think i sorta joined a cult last night
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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