1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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