I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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