so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
