im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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