new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
