hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
