i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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