Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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