i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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