you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
