apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
please come you make the beer taste better
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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