Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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