it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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