Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
