I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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