Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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