how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
