My cat gives me a boner
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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