His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he was CRYING into my vagina
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
And then my night got REAL pukey
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
