Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
