between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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