Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
