So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
