His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
