I faked an abortion last night.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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