he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
