Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
