i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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