he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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