and you said cock pushups were impossible
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
