Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
