thus making me awesome and them whores
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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