My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
