I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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