Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
