Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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