Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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