Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
don't judge my taste in strippers
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
