I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
