He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
